After really thinking about everything, I came to the conclusion that yeah, I love him. There are so many things I love about him. Our conversations, our connection, our history all that. But after Alexis asked me
“Ciarra, Do you really want to talk to Lamont again?” She told me not to answer but to think about it. So I thought and thought because the only answer I could come up with is idk. And my answer is ………… No.
Yeah I still love him. Yeah. But there are so many things that I don’t love about him. Like, our similarities are on point, the way we view things and situations, incoherent. It’s the same as it was 2 years ago. We have grown and matured, but we still don’t agree on the same things. That has not changed. And I was smart when I left. I didn’t stay and keep giving him chances and “looking past things” I reached my point with him and got the fuck out. The love I have for him, I only want him to have. It’s only enough to share with him. That love could only survive if he could give it all to me. But he can’t. Not at all. Sooo.
There you go. I don’t want exceptions. I want the real thing. That’s the picture. IF he could give up all those women and his lifestyle, I would tell him to make me be the 1st to call. But I am not expecting that. I am content with our relationship and friendship. I got one of my old best friends back. Nothing could make me happier.
It’s the strangest thing. I’ve been thinking about the two no nos. Actually 3 of them.
I miss #1. I don’t know whyyyyy. I’ve been thinking about him everyday. Everyday.
And every time I pick up my phone and want to text him, something always stops me.
All I can think about what the summer may bring. But reality is, it won’t bring much. I don’t know what is wrong with me. Or why I keep thinking about him. All the time. It won’t go away and it’s killing me. And honestly I can’t even vent to anyone. Because. Because I am embarrassed. I can’t admit that I still love him…Do I still love him? I don’t even know him anymore. He doesn’t even know me anymore. It’s so complicated. I feel like that dumb girl hooked on old dude. It doesn’t make any since. We had a horrible fucked up relationship. There were some good moments, but soooo many bad. So many bad, hurtful, fucked up moments. And it still angers me and stings a little.
Unexplainable. I only hope these feeling never be released to anyone…especially him.
As for #2. Omggg. I miss him. That is unexplainable as well. Because there isn’t anything to miss. But we’re going home at the same time. So I’m just wondering if his name is going to appear on my screen. I wonder if I will see him. If I’ll let him see me.
I don’t knowwww. But he’s been on my mind for a while now.
You have your reasons why you can’t wife me.
I have my reasons why i can’t sleep with you.
Dang.
DM. OMG I MISS HIM. I think about him all the time. And I just wonder what that dumb girl has over me. I just want him back. I want him and all of him. I will support him with whatever through whatever. I don’t care. I want him so freaking bad. I can’t even work up the nerve to tell him.
My heart is telling me I miss him.
My mind telling me to txt him.
My pride saying fuck him.
It is what it is I guess. But whyyyy though. Can it be it is what it is when he’s beside me? Please. Is that too much to ask for. I am good for him. He’s good for me. Ughhh I know it.
The good ones go…
You’re upset because I’m gone.
I’m upset because you were wrong.
I was grasping, holding on
How has it been so long
Eyes wide open, up til dawn.
I can’t stop thinking how “us” is gone
Everyone was right about you all along.
Fck you, fck YOU when you look at me, look on
Act like it’s your last day and move on
Don’t feed anyone our memories, act on
I’m expelling you from my life, considered yourself withdrawn
But let’s hit reality, it’s never that easy
We go out seperate ways, you come back home like you need me
But I can’t love you when it’s never us two, you and me,
But always you and me + 1, tryna make it three
Never offered monogamy.
Idk why I’m missing him. Maybe I don’t really misssss him maybe I miss the idea of him.
I’m not sure but whatever it is. I’ve been thinking about him alot
Silly I know. But it’s realy bothering me and I have not one person to talk about this with.
I just want to be happy. I just want to find happiness. And every time I feel like I have some touch on it, it slides away. I really don’t like my lifestyle anymore. I’m done with it.
I kept telling all my friends that they need to stop smoking because weed is fcking with their life. Then I saw it for the first time last night.
Weed is fcking with my life.
I don’t get my work done even though I swear every time that I am. I face some truths that I don’t want to face. I eat things that I wouldn’t normally eat, cheating on my diet. Weed is fcking with my life. And I do like being high, but if only I absolutely have nothing to do. Other than that.
I’m done trying to please other people. I preach, but it’s time to preach my own lessons to myself. And I wish this process would hurry up. I wish I could break all my ways and be me again. I need to be me. I need to find me.
So frustrating.
And those people who are famous. They’re not happy. They’re not happy.
I have the chance to be. SO why not?
Why not?
Because I love the fame.
These are my new rules with men.
I will not return to old men. Unless it is absoultly necessary. Meaning the ONLY way I will allow them to come back
(peep the “Allow them to come back”)
if they give me a great reason to. Like, they work hard for months to get me back.
They work. Period. No exceptions.
The Past is Practice.
I learned a great deal from my old men. Therefore, I shall keep learning, on my own.
I will only talk to someone IF he has EVERYTHING I want in a man.
He has to be the smart, young man. Who challenges me. Who grows with me. Who’s willing to be there for me and help me change. Someone who has sex with my mind before my body. Who breaks me down mentally and never physically.
I will not go out of my way no longer. Meaning, no “putting my pride to the side” No.
he either is willing to be there and bend over for me. Or that’s it. Period. Done. Deal.
I am sooo over with settling. There is nothing that I love more than helping others and helping to put a smile one their face, but I need to put myself first. Call it selfish. Whatever, But I need to put that smile on my face and continue to be my own reason I smile first.
So this love thing is going to have to take the backseat. Maybe the trunk.
Because 19 years, numerous boys, I have realized what I want.
I want it all. And I deserve it. Why not.
I know exactly what I want.
